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"Today Is the day!" you thought to your self. You were determined to get a hug out of your crush Kiku, He never let you hug him or anything or let anyone hug him for that fact and you were going to change that annoying little fact about him. Today was the day of the ball your brother Francis was hosting. "Okay today is the day I win his heart!! and I will get that damn hug!" You looked at you self in the mirror you looked drop dead beautiful. You (h/c) hair was down and curled, your (e/c) eyes were shining with determination and your dress was magnificent!
The colors complemented your skin and complexion and the way it was made complemented your body figure perfectly. "She really went out of her way to make me this dress" you sighed remembering how your best friend demanded to make your dress. "_____ GET DOWN HERE!!!!" you heard your slightly annoyed brother yell. You ran down to see your best friend holding your brother in a head lock.
"try it again I dare you frog!!!!!!!!" you sighed as you watched. "come now Ichigo don't you think he has had enough?" she looked up to you and ran over to you. "You look awesome ____!!!!!!!!! if he doesn't hug you he is totally gay!" she said and you face palmed. "Your his little sister you know he isn't gay" you said rolling your eyes and she just smirked. "what are you doing here anyways I thought you weren't coming!" you said and she thought for a second.
"why am I here" she said, just before you could say something she started to speak again. "oh yea I came to make sure the dress didn't rip because your brother tried it on or anything and plus I got asked to the ball so I couldn't say no! It would be very rude" she said mocking her brothers voice and you laughed a little. "Well why aren't you wearing a dress?" you looked at her and she looked at her own clothes, she was wearing a sweat shirt and jeans.
"Whats wrong with the way I'm dressed?!" you sighed and dragged her to your room, after two hours of struggling you manged to get her to wear the dress you were originally going to wear. You looked at the clock and noticed you were both late to the dance so you both rushed to the ball room. "alright girl get that hug!" she said to you as she pushed you towards Kiku.
You stumbled a little and walked up to him. "Hey Kiku!" you said to him and he looked over to you a slight blush appeared on his face when he saw how pretty you looked and he smiled softly. "Ah ___-san you look very lovely tonight" he said and you smiled and blushed a little. "Thanks Kiku you look very nice your self" you said and smiled adorably and his blush became a little more vivid.
He thanked you and you guys talked for quite some time and then he noticed the ball was baiscly over and he smiled but he looked a little sad as he said his good bye. "Wait Kiku!!!" you exclaimed and ran up and hugged him but he panicked and pushed you back you fell and looked at him tears in your eyes and you stood up. "Alright I understand.... you don't like me a-and you wont be able to return my feelings... That's fine i-im sorry" you said and you ran out to the back and hide in the garden.
Kiku stood there shocked and blushing massively and looked like he was about to cry and Ichigo walked up to him. "Nice going brother! You know she really loves you but your to worried about personal space to let the women who loves you more then life hug you!!!" she was very upset and Kiku just looked down in shame. "you better go apologize you need to make things right! And i-i-i don't wanna see you until you do! If you need me ill be at Ivan`s house!!!" she scoffed and walked off.
Kiku was crying at this point he did love you he just didn't know how to show it. He was afraid of rejection but he noticed he just rejected you. "no I will not loose her" he said to him self and he ran off to find you. You sat on a bench in front of a little pond and you threw some bread to the fish. "Stupid Kiku i-i don't need him any ways i-im better off with out happiness any ways!" you said to your self trying to stop crying and then you heard Kiku calling your name and you kept quiet not wanting to see him.
No matter your efforts he found you and when he walked up to you and sat next to you, you turned away no wanting him to see your tears. "____-san please let me expl- " you cut him off before he could finish. "No Kiku I don't want to hear your reasons" you looked at him tears running down your face. "just please leave y-you are no longer wanted here!" you said and he looked at you sadly and forced you to look at him and before you could say anything he pressed his lips to yours.
You blushed massively and melted into his kiss and then looked at him when he pulled away. "k-kiku?" you said softly and he smiled at you blushing massively him self. "I-i love you ____-san i-im sorry I pushed you away I was afraid of rejection b-but then I realized y-you weren't going to reject me i-im sorry!" he pulled you into a hug and you hugged him back there was no way you could possibly be happier. "i love you to Kiku" you smiled as he kissed you again and then your froze hearing your brother come up.
"ohonhonhon look here how cute!" he said and both you and Kiku pulled away from each other shyly as he smirked. "ill go set up a room for you two" he said as he laughed a little and both yours and Kiku's face went deep red you stood up and yelled at him. "b-brother d-dont say those things" you yelled at him and Kiku just sat and watched smiling a little. THE END!
The colors complemented your skin and complexion and the way it was made complemented your body figure perfectly. "She really went out of her way to make me this dress" you sighed remembering how your best friend demanded to make your dress. "_____ GET DOWN HERE!!!!" you heard your slightly annoyed brother yell. You ran down to see your best friend holding your brother in a head lock.
"try it again I dare you frog!!!!!!!!" you sighed as you watched. "come now Ichigo don't you think he has had enough?" she looked up to you and ran over to you. "You look awesome ____!!!!!!!!! if he doesn't hug you he is totally gay!" she said and you face palmed. "Your his little sister you know he isn't gay" you said rolling your eyes and she just smirked. "what are you doing here anyways I thought you weren't coming!" you said and she thought for a second.
"why am I here" she said, just before you could say something she started to speak again. "oh yea I came to make sure the dress didn't rip because your brother tried it on or anything and plus I got asked to the ball so I couldn't say no! It would be very rude" she said mocking her brothers voice and you laughed a little. "Well why aren't you wearing a dress?" you looked at her and she looked at her own clothes, she was wearing a sweat shirt and jeans.
"Whats wrong with the way I'm dressed?!" you sighed and dragged her to your room, after two hours of struggling you manged to get her to wear the dress you were originally going to wear. You looked at the clock and noticed you were both late to the dance so you both rushed to the ball room. "alright girl get that hug!" she said to you as she pushed you towards Kiku.
You stumbled a little and walked up to him. "Hey Kiku!" you said to him and he looked over to you a slight blush appeared on his face when he saw how pretty you looked and he smiled softly. "Ah ___-san you look very lovely tonight" he said and you smiled and blushed a little. "Thanks Kiku you look very nice your self" you said and smiled adorably and his blush became a little more vivid.
He thanked you and you guys talked for quite some time and then he noticed the ball was baiscly over and he smiled but he looked a little sad as he said his good bye. "Wait Kiku!!!" you exclaimed and ran up and hugged him but he panicked and pushed you back you fell and looked at him tears in your eyes and you stood up. "Alright I understand.... you don't like me a-and you wont be able to return my feelings... That's fine i-im sorry" you said and you ran out to the back and hide in the garden.
Kiku stood there shocked and blushing massively and looked like he was about to cry and Ichigo walked up to him. "Nice going brother! You know she really loves you but your to worried about personal space to let the women who loves you more then life hug you!!!" she was very upset and Kiku just looked down in shame. "you better go apologize you need to make things right! And i-i-i don't wanna see you until you do! If you need me ill be at Ivan`s house!!!" she scoffed and walked off.
Kiku was crying at this point he did love you he just didn't know how to show it. He was afraid of rejection but he noticed he just rejected you. "no I will not loose her" he said to him self and he ran off to find you. You sat on a bench in front of a little pond and you threw some bread to the fish. "Stupid Kiku i-i don't need him any ways i-im better off with out happiness any ways!" you said to your self trying to stop crying and then you heard Kiku calling your name and you kept quiet not wanting to see him.
No matter your efforts he found you and when he walked up to you and sat next to you, you turned away no wanting him to see your tears. "____-san please let me expl- " you cut him off before he could finish. "No Kiku I don't want to hear your reasons" you looked at him tears running down your face. "just please leave y-you are no longer wanted here!" you said and he looked at you sadly and forced you to look at him and before you could say anything he pressed his lips to yours.
You blushed massively and melted into his kiss and then looked at him when he pulled away. "k-kiku?" you said softly and he smiled at you blushing massively him self. "I-i love you ____-san i-im sorry I pushed you away I was afraid of rejection b-but then I realized y-you weren't going to reject me i-im sorry!" he pulled you into a hug and you hugged him back there was no way you could possibly be happier. "i love you to Kiku" you smiled as he kissed you again and then your froze hearing your brother come up.
"ohonhonhon look here how cute!" he said and both you and Kiku pulled away from each other shyly as he smirked. "ill go set up a room for you two" he said as he laughed a little and both yours and Kiku's face went deep red you stood up and yelled at him. "b-brother d-dont say those things" you yelled at him and Kiku just sat and watched smiling a little. THE END!
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"Ohnnn……." You groaned, rolling from your back onto your side. You were totally tired of this…laying on your back or on your side, stuck in your bed; this had been your life for the past few weeks.
Now nine months pregnant, you were huge and could barely do anything without somebody's help. Still though, despite the soreness and hassles of it all, you were happy. Rubbing your stomach tenderly you smiled; any day now…
You giggled remembering how you conceived. That first night you and Kiku spent together as a married couple, he had realized that there was indeed a possibility of you becoming pregnant from your activities.
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yea.... i know there are a lot off errors here and im going to request a critique rember im only 14 im under a lot of stress right now and its 4 in the morning so please be kind
© 2012 - 2024 IchigoBraginski
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactYou may or may not remember me, but I saw this story and I was compelled to review it to see if you improved. Although you really lashed out on me last time I critiqued, I decided to try again.
I read the story all the way through and read some part multiple times. You have definitely improved on your sentence structure and plot lines, although there are still many things you can still improve on.
You may want to consider finding a good roleplayer or fanfiction to read so you can figure out how to get the characters in character more. Kiku is a very private person, as are the Japanese, and him falling for someone would take a lot of time. If you developed a good plot for it, you could have made the story a little longer if you wanted to.
I also see a flaw in the way you portray France. I'm not sure if it's because of the grammatical errors, but he seems very out of character. As a France cosplayer and roleplayer, it was something that kind of stuck out to me a lot. He has more depth than just saying "Honhonhon~" every five minutes. He's also not always a constantly bisexual pervert like people make him out to be.
Speaking of grammatical issues, you seem to have improved on this drastically. I see your punctuation and capitalization has improved drastically since I last read some of your work. There are still a few misspellings and incorrect sentence structure, but I'm sure you'll improve on that as you work more.
I have also noticed a few issues with how you're portraying the reader. She seems to be an extreme Mary-Sue. She ends up getting the boy she wants even though it's doesn't necessarily make much sense. She's also EXTREMELY pretty and everyone seems to really like her. Another major Mary-Sue point is when she plays the pity card on Kiku. With the Mary-Sueness and the slightly bland plot, it really doesn't stand out much to readers. Try and give your character/reader more general flaws, it'll make for some more interesting reading.
The last issue I want to touch base on is the plot. It's very jumpy and not much background is given on what is happening. It reminded me of most ReaderXCountry fics. It also left me confused for most of the story. There are also some questionable sentences, such as when Ichigo said something along the lines of Kiku being gay if he doesn't like the reader. It's really not something appropriate for this kind of story. You really should also try to stand out and make your writing different from everyone else's! Like I mentioned in my last review, reading very good fanfiction is critical. Look for ones with a high word count, good grammar, and mostly positive reviews. It will help you improve and might give you some inspiration.
All in all, I'm glad to see that you decided to continue writing. You have really improved significantly and I can't wait to see if you get better. I know you will!